Guidelines on Getting a Woman to Bear Your Child
by Autumn Dragon
Summary: Can't get the girl want to get busy? Your very own guide on how to find, seduce and make your move on women. Now, including answered FAQ's for all of your questions. -Twoshot-
1. Guidelines

A/N: This is just a little one-shot that I wrote, while taking a break from all of my other work. COUGH A Demon's Debt COUGH. Enjoy :)

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**Guidelines on Getting a Woman to BearYour Child**

Okay, so you want to have a child but you can't get the girl want to get busy? Let me tell you, it's _not_ because you're ugly or your breath smells (those are your personal problems, I completely understand!), it's because you don't have the right moves! So let me help you.  
If you're wondering who I am, I am Miroku. The handsome, loveable and seductive monk who roams the lands with a curse and a few of my trusty, demon fighting companions!  
I have a reputation with the ladies but, sadly, I can and will love only one girl. (An extremely lucky girl I might say, since she ended up with me!)  
Let me teach you all the moves and steps on getting a woman to bear your child, and you'll become a pro like me in no time!

Follow these guidelines and by the end of the day you'll have a nice young lady in your bed! (Or, perhaps, a slap on the cheek?)

Step #1: Have a reason as to why you want to bear a child.

Well, there is no reason really, except the fact that you would like to father a little heir that you will love and cherish. Unless, of course, you will one day be consumed by the death-ticking bomb that will be forever with you until you kill the man who cursed you in first place and if you don't succeed then you want to conceive a life that could possibly finish it for you, then that is understandable.

**TIP:** If your reason is tragic, the woman will pity you and they will be more likely to give up to your sexy demeanor!

Step #2: Find a young girl that would make a good mother to your children.

Who wouldn't want a person that could make your heart sing every time you see them? That could comfort you, love you and help you conceive a beautiful life that will be a part of you both?

Step #3: Make sure she is your type of woman.

Gorgeous, loveable, intelligent, lovely, nice round booty, etc. You know, the works. 

**TIP:** Make sure that she doesn't have a big, giant, scary, solid weapon that could easily cut you in half. Or a giant, transforming cat that could burn you and your butt off or knock you out with a flap of her tail.

Step #4: Woo her by using pickup lines!

These babies work every time! Don't worry if they're corny; sometimes, the cornier the better, because then they'll laugh and think you're funny! (Bonus points!)

**EXAMPLE:** Are you free tonight, or how much will it cost me? Was it love at first sight or should I walk by you again?

Step #5: When you're near her, try to get her in the 'mood'.

How else will you be able to do it? Of course you need to cause some heated moments for you two to be able to conceive a child.  
This should work for sure! Trust me on this one.  
If you stop while you're about to go all the way, she'll be begging for more! She won't be able to resist your charm and your seductive ways. You dog, you!

**TIP:** 'Accidentally' drape your hand across her bottom.

**WARNING:** If you travel with other companions like a man with dog-ears for example, he will call you a pervert! Don't take it personally. He's just jealous because he doesn't know how to make the moves on his own girl! (Like a girl from a different time.)

Step #6: Flirt with other woman to make her jealous, it will work!

This will prove how much she cares/feels for you when she ignores you and tells you to 'shove it', when you try to explain that you were merely talking to the other woman.  
This is the test to see how much she wants you all to herself!

**WARNING:** Her big, giant, solid, extremely scary weapon that could easily cut you into little tiny pieces could be put to use now.

**TIP:** If you are going to check out/flirt/grope/seduce other woman, and you DON'T want her to know about it, make sure that she DOESN'T find out; otherwise you may regret going to check out/flirt/grope/seduce other woman in the first place. Her resources could be your 'trusty' companions.

Step #7: If you get injured, seem delusional so she'll come to your aid.

Take the opportunity of a deadly poisoning to your advantage. She will be worried about you and stay by your side until you wake up and feel better.  
Then when you finally do give up on the whole delusional and 'near-death' act, she'll embrace you and tell you how much she worried. (Aw, isn't that sweet?)

**TIP:** Use this as an excuse so that she'll forget all about step #5.

Step #8: Make her feel needed.

If you fight bad dudes with freaky-looking skin, bad breath, or they just look plain weird…HIDE BEHIND YOUR WOMAN! She'll protect you with her deadly weapon!  
She'll like the idea of being needed and that means that she'll never leave you! (Bonus Points!)

**WARNING: **Don't seem _too_ helpless and _don't_ act like you can't defend yourself, otherwise the relationship could be based on pity or she could just leave you because she got tired of saving your butt.

Step #9: Confess to her about how you feel, when you think the time is right and absolutely necessary.

If your woman is being possessed by a demon egg inside of her body and she's trying to kill you, you should consider this as a sign: You might die, so make the last moments of your life unbe-frickin'-liveable.

**TIP:** After you tell her how you feel, you should try to get her back to normal.

Step #10: Make your move.

When you actually do tell her how you feel, don't just say it and be done with it, (you're a baboon if you do that!) ask her to the big question.  
I mean, it's the only thing that you could do since you read this handy-dandy guide. You've already made it this far so DON'T screw this up! (She could be delusional or doesn't know what the heck she's doing, but take the opportunity!)

**TIP: **Make sure that she feels the same way about you, otherwise you just made a complete fool of yourself.

**TIP:** Once she accepts your proposal, suggest that you make lots and lots of juniors! Like 10-15 or, if you want to be safe, make it 20 babies.

Well, now you're officially a man with a lovely wife and a future full of children. Good luck and thank you for following my guidelines on how to get a woman to bear your child.

You know our motto: Get busy and stay busy for a long time!

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If you actually got this far, thanks for reading! Reviews would be nice, also. Bye :)


	2. FAQ's

**A/N:** Here's another Miroku P.O.V. fic, continuing on with Guidelines on Getting a Woman to Bear Your Child. If you haven't read that one then I'm sure that you won't understand this fic.

I do not own Inuyasha nor will I ever.

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**Frequently Asked Questions**

Ah, hello there my friends! It is I: the seductive monk, Miroku! I'm here again to help you with any questions that I think you might want to be answered. I know, I know, why would you need answers when you're making babies? (Even I can't answer that.)  
But here are some questions and answers just so you're prepared in every way to make your woman happy and willing to make you the father that you've always wanted to be! (And the _animal_, right? You sly dog!)

Question #1: I've searched the lands far and wide, but I **can't** find the woman I want to bear my children with. Is there a right girl for me?

Yes! Of course there is! But I think someone is being too picky for their own good! Tsk, tsk. You should lower your standards.

**Example:** You meet a girl and you think she's the right one but then you find out she's missing a toe!

WHO CARES? You like her don't you? Go for it! Go for the kill, man!

Question #2: My woman is always in the 'mood'. How do I get her to calm down?

How I wish I were you. I'm not allowed a single taste until we can kill an evil man who wishes to kill us. (Yes, very sad. Mourn for me, my guide-followers!) Enough about me, it's about you.

Well, maybe she wants to have your children and she's craving your gentle touch! Give her a taste of what she wants and if her hormones are still uncontrollable, then tell her to go take a dip in the ice-cold river. (Ice, ice baby!)

Question #3: The pick-up lines won't work. Is there any other advice you can tell me?

You mean they failed! The babies that work every time, don't work every time?  
Nope, I won't accept that! You're not worthy of using pick-up lines. You should just… oops. Forgive me; I shouldn't insult you for not being able to master the art of pick-up lines.

Okay, I think the problem is that you aren't using them right or you're just telling really crappy ones.

Let me give you some more examples.

**Example:** Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart, you'll steal mine. (That's a blushy!)  
What's a girl like you not being with a guy like me?

Question #4: Making my woman jealous isn't working. **She encourages me to talk to other women**. How can I change that?

Who in their right mind would let the person they have grown to love so much do that?  
Maybe she's testing your loyalty towards her? Yes! That's it. When you go off and try to make her jealous, she's probably at home with a big, scary weapon hidden away somewhere. (Ready to amputate a few _lovely_ things, maybe?)  
I'm positive that the solution should be to stop trying to make her jealous and go home to your wife. (She'll love you even more if you do that!)

Question #5: My woman can't have children, but I love her so much I can't leave her. What should I do?

Wow. Now there's a challenge! I like it. Anyway, you got yourself into one pickle. So what you could do is find a newly orphaned boy/girl/hanyou/demon/kitsune/etc. and adopt them. Unless you can't find a newly orphaned boy/girl/hanyou/demon/kitsune/etc. then… pray for a miracle or you could always just steal… never mind. (You don't want _that_ on your shoulders now, do you?)

Question #6: I can't hide behind my woman because she hides behind me! How else can I make her feel needed?

Well, have her do other stuff women should do.

**Example:** Have her cook you a nice meal after a hard day's work. (Cause we all know that you're cooking is crap!)  
Then thank her with letting her feel… _satisfied_. You dog, you!

**Example:** Tell her how lost you would be without her, but don't sound like you're _too_ dependent on her. (That's a no-no!)  
Question #7: I found this girl that I really like but it turns out she's already married! How can I heal my broken heart?

I can't help you there buddy. All I can tell you is to leave her alone.

**Tip:** DO NOT TRY TO STEAL HER AWAY! (Unless you think it's okay to get beaten up to the pulp by her husband who wasn't suppose to learn about your rendezvous affair but then he suddenly barges in and goes in a blind rage.)

Put a band-aid on your broken heart and find another girl. (Do it for the sake of your future children!)

**Tip:** The 'broken heart' act can be used as a way to get to meet new women. Act sad and mope around, then the ladies will come to you! (Refer to Guidelines on Getting a Woman to Bear Your Child Step #7)

Question #8: I did the steps in your guide in a whole day! Am I moving to fast?

The faster the better in my opinion! You just completed about five to about six months of work in just twenty-four hours! Congratulations.

Remember: Get busy and stay busy for a long time!

I wouldn't be surprised if your women is already with child or you're another one is baking in the oven!

Question #9: I don't have a reason as to why I want a child. Can you help me?

What kind of question is that? Find a reason why you want to have a child and fast!

**Example:** Maybe you should try 'I'm-going-to-die-so-I-should-make-the-rest-of-my-life-unbe-frickin'-liveable!' act. (It's extremely sad, but it works!)

Question #10: My woman already has two children, but they're not mine! They're from her previous relationship and she says she doesn't want any more children. How can I change her mind?

Convince her, love her, do whatever it takes to make her want to bear your children! (Or you can always refer to Question #5)

**Tip:** Seduce her and knock her up without her knowledge! (You should already know what to do. Go in for kill!)

**Tip:** She might reconsider that thought if her children end up drowning in the river near your village. (That would be unfortunate!)

Well, now all of your questions have been answered and your wife/woman/women/etc. are satisfied with you and love you with all of their heart! Also, your child/children/baking-ovens/hanyou/demon/adopted/etc. could never ask for a better father!

Good luck on making those 10-20 babies!

You know our motto: Get busy and stay busy for a long time!

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**A/N:** Yes! The sort of sequel/continuation of Guidelines of Getting a Woman to Bear Your Child has been completed! Thanks for reading and please review. :) 


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